Dear Baghdad

Dear Baghdad,

I regret to inform you that my two toddlers are driving me crazy and so I have decided to mail them to my husband who is posted there. I have checked the APO (military mail) restrictions and confirmed that they will fit.

Now, I should warn you, they come armed with many tactics to evade and subdue their enemy. Let me share just a couple with you. First, they come camouflaged such that they will look just like any other kid. In fact, their extreme cuteness draws you in but beware, because that is when they strike. Their whining and screaming are acoustic weapons of the highest caliber. Their ability to create utter destruction in any room in the blink of an eye demonstrates their extraordinary mastery and manipulation of the laws of entropy that it is utterly impossible to do anything but succumb to the devastation and live in the squalor they leave behind. If you try to catch them you will find that despite the fact that their legs are more than half the size of yours, their speed and dexterity make it such that you will never catch them. This cruel and confusing reality is only reinforced by them turning and giggling at you while you stand winded, gasping for breath.

Finally, their most potent defense are their toxic diapers. These foul concoctions are be expelled at the most inopportune times and, not only emit such a putrid odor that they demand to be dealt with immediately. Should you delay in rectifying the "situation", you will find that matters are now much worse because the substance will have seeped through their clothing and everything else. If this happens you will need to evacuate the city and burn it. I will point out however that Iraq will finally have WMD.

Now, I'm going to go to bed...or maybe eat breakfast, something I haven't done before 4pm in over a year. Hmmm...both are tempting.

Good luck!

Katie